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72 Hours of Heaven or Hell

72 Hours of Hell or Heaven,

There you are, right in front of me, everything I have been looking for everything I have been begging for, longing for, crying in my bed at night for, bought to my knees every day and every night praying for you to come and save me. And just like that, there you are.

What do I do, how do I feel, what do I say. To be my self or to be that “perfect girl” what is a perfect girl? Am I perfect for you? Do I need to be someone different? Are you good for my girl? Will you break our hearts. A million questions go through my head as I watch your perfect lips tell me the story of you. As you look at me the fear is so real, no one has been able to see me the way you do, I try to build my wall, get my soldiers to work, all hand on deck, to hold my defences but all you have to do is stand close enough for your smell to be near and my soldiers are captivated.

My defences are down, you look through me as if we have known each other all along, you touch me as though your body was made to touch mine. Stay cool, don’t touch him, don’t kiss him, don’t let him in he will only hurt you. My anxiety will keep me safe.

Why do you have to be so perfect, when you talk, when you sing it's like the very core of me is your microphone and you are talking just to me, no one else. I am listening I am here. When you hold me it's like all of my pain from the past just melts further into your arms and you absorb it like it is nothing. Years of anxiety, years of hurt and torment dissipated a single touch. You see me.

This is crazy, I don’t even know you. I try to pull away but I am already yours, I have already given you my body. Next is my heart.

One fight with my loves who have been there for me through everything, my heart is wounded and you are there, I run to you as if I am a scared little girl afraid to be alone. I have been alone for as long as I can remember why do you make me feel like this, how have you penetrated so much of me already.

As soon as I see your face everything is okay and we laugh as we have never been apart. My heart is now yours, please don’t take my mind.

We spend the night and I give you all of me, everything I have. I share it all. My wall is down you have every access code to my heart and my body. My mind is still my own and tells me that this is okay. But is it really? Should I be bent like this, should I feel this good. Should my eyes be rolling back into my head as you slide deeper inside me destroying every moral that has kept me safe? He is different I tell my self.

I leave the next day and find my self checking my phone every 5 minutes. I knew this would happen, now you have taken my mind. What do I do, do I text. Do I call? Do I send you cute selfies in bed captioning “wish you were here” when all I want to do is jump through the phone and re-spend the last 72 hours with you like groundhog day, again and again, waking up to the smell of you and your voice telling my core how perfect I can

Don’t be crazy, don’t push him away. Don’t message first, don’t call first, don’t make plans first. He is different he will come. Am I in heaven or hell.

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