Fighting with my Self
It’s when smiles and kindness aren't enough but still too much all at the same time,
It's feeling too much or not enough but telling everyone you're just fine.
It’s the “what if” little thoughts that grow into the big anxiety attacks,
It’s the thought of being judged and social skills that I seem to lack.
It’s when a look from a stranger, or worse, a loved one can just stay in your head,
It’s being out and about with people, but your mind is stuck at home in bed.
It’s when you see words coming out of her mouth but you mind is still in last week,
It’s seeing your friends grow up and live, and your eyes begin to leak.
It’s looking down at your arms, or in the mirror and not realising its you,
Being so detached from your body, and there’s nothing you can do.
The fear has taken over and I’m afraid its just getting worse,
I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do and all I feel is pain and hurt.
It's letting people tell you you’re not good enough and believing it every time.
It’s getting walked all over day and night and not knowing where to draw the line.
Being a mother with anxiety, well that’s a hole other side to that,
How can I begin to explain how I feel when I can’t separate feelings from facts?
It’s doing your duties, day and night while feeling sick you’re not doing it correct,
It’s getting back to find her homework at home, every day I fucking forget.
It’s when the shop is out of your washing powder and you just break down,
I go to ever store so she doesn’t get a rash, even to the other side of town.
She’s not even allergic! I just have all these irrational fears!
Anytime I think of change it honestly brings me to tears.
Moving house and being absolutely terrified of scaring her precious little life,
Terrified she will never feel at home as a child because moving feels like being stabbed with a Knife.
Its constantly feeling no matter what you do she will grow up and leave you,
No matter how many people tell you she won’t the fear feels so real and so true.
Its feeling disconnected to your own child because you’re scared she will see you’re not perfect.
It’s being so blinded by anxiety that you have no time to sit back and self-reflect.
It’s being the best possible mother but never feeling it’s never enough.
It’s having a healthy daughter and feeling guilty for the other family’s doing it so tough.
I deal with anxiety and its effects every single day,
For years I was blinded by the role anxiety in my life would play.
I am finally getting help and its slowly getting further away,
But every day I am terrified it will sneak up and for good it will stay.
Everyone has their bad days as well as their good,
But everyone should seek help like me, when the bad takes over its never for good