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Leap of Faith

It has all lead to this moment, will I be strong enough to keep going.

Every bone in her body is telling her to go lay in bed and crawl into a ball and quit. She can just be a bar tender, she can be a supervisor, she can rent and get through life one day at a time. Maybe she will meet a man, maybe he will have a good job and she will be what everyone expected her to be.

She wants more, she wants to do it herself, she wants to show her girl independence, she wants to raise from her bed every day and teach these kids something real, see those beautiful smiling faces every day and help them to learn life. She wants her parents to be proud, she wants her daughter to be proud, she wants to look at herself in the mirror and actually love herself for everything she has done.

But she sits at her computer, mind blank, but her mind is so full, full of irrelevant content. I Cant do it, I don’t know what i'm doing, I will never be good enough, I wonder what he is doing, I wonder if he will call, I wonder if Ella will have a good day at school tomorrow, I wonder if I will be good at this job, I wonder if I try will I fail, will I be able to handle it if I fail? I wonder why she never called on my birthday, I wonder if my mother thinks of me, I wonder if my dad knows where I am.

Why cant I focus, why cant I drown it out, i've doubled my medication, i've had plenty of sleep, i've researched i've read i've understood. WHAT IS STOPPING ME.

My self.

I am stopping my self,… why… because I am petrified that If I try and I succeed maybe I am capable and the people who I want to see me succeed are no longer around. Or am I petrified that if I fail I will fall off that tight rope I have been balancing on and fall into the pit that has been taunting me my hole life. Am I strong? Or am I just weak and tired of pretending.

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