Mistakes or Lessons?
Do you ever have those days where you just feel inspiration from everywhere you look? I stepped out the front this morning and for the first time, in a long time, I could breathe the fresh air. I felt the cold wind on my face and the chill from the pavement on my feet. I smelt the freshly cut grass and heard the sweet sound of the bird's tweet. Sometimes I get caught up in my head so much I forget to actually live, I swear days go past before I even breathe. I always forget how much beauty is in the world all around me. Being so calmed and relaxed got me thinking…where did my mental health start going down? Where did my cloud come from? I started thinking about my family, “yep definitely trauma there, skip!” My friends; “skip,” my mistakes, my achievements. Then I started thinking about my relationships.. “bingo, let’s focus on this one today.” I have spent the whole day self-reflecting on every single mistake that has come into my life, but then started thinking were they really a mistake or a lesson? “Both.”
As I stood on my driveway reflecting, I remembered how good it was at the beginning. I remembered all the laughs, all the nights spent, I remembered how he looked at me. He was older and made my heart skip. Then, I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath and I remembered that its just memories and my smile faded.
Lesson: *Don’t have a baby with someone unless they are going to stay, or at least help*
Use protection if you are not ready for a child.
Try to make it work for the sake of the child.
Get, outside the family, help when you are a young mum.
I was so young and I definitely learned this lesson very fast and way too soon.
My heart hurt a little bit and I walked inside where my daughter and I both live and her dad does not. The house is quiet, she’s at school filling her head with the knowledge of the world. I am cleaning up after the lunches I made her this morning and tidying her room from the puzzles we made the night before. My mind often wonders where her dad is. If he’s thinking about her if he will ever step up and take responsibility. I’m not quite sure, but one thing I do know is I have had to do life on my own ever since him. Lesson well learned.
I make my way to the kitchen and start making some breakfast and I reflect back again. I think to my self, “How in the world did I stumble on this one? Oh that’s right, I remember.” I was 20 and I had never had a one night stand, the girls all laughed and we got dressed up on a mission to find one so I can transition into the “21st century” where it was okay. Oh god, I was so naive, why did I think that was important? Well, there he was, in the club, cutest boy I’d seen in my life. THAT ONE! I said to my self.
I take my breakfast and sit on the couch with a cheeky smile as I remember all the fun we had. God, I loved him, I loved him so much it made me crazy! It wasn’t long and we were absolutely inseparable. Unfortunately, it made me look past all of his flaws. I would rather fight with him every day than not be with him at all. Why do we do that? Why do we ignore all the signs? And I tell you what! There were signs that smacked me in the face and I STILL stayed. It wasn’t until it actually turned physically abusive until I packed up and walked away.
Lesson: Do not date someone who is like your dad. Don’t date someone that your body and your mind scream at you not to be with.
Lesson: Learn who they are before you fall in love.
Don’t give in to peer pressure,
Don’t move in with someone too soon (Did not learn)
If they use drugs LEAVE
If they cheat LEAVE
If they don’t come home for days at a time LEAVE.
I could go on, but the truth is, love really is blind. And I was not strong enough at the time to be without him. You think this would be just common sense right? Don’t have babies until you’re ready, and don’t date a phyco. Well, not for this young lady, I LOVE learning things the hard way apparently and even then I would repeat my mistakes again. Luckily not the bad ones.
I finish my breakfast and head to the shower, the water is running down me and I’m thinking about all the others who have come and gone out of my life, the ones I wish had stayed and the ones I’m glad to have left. How much I have grown, what I want in life, what I don’t want in life. All the pain these boys have made me feel, all the pain I’ve made myself feel, all the tears I have shed for no reason.
The taps squeak as I turn them off and reach for my towel. I dry my face slowly dragging the towel down and find my self staring at my self in the mirror. “A and B there were signs.. but what happened to the last two?” I met this one (C) on Tinder, He was charming, I made him wait, I made him crazy. We were like something out of a movie. Picnics, sunsets, piggybacks along the beach. He had two beautiful daughters we were like an instant family. Unfortunately, it was my mental health that got in the way of this one. The constant overthinking “I am not good enough” I pushed him away until there was no choice for him to leave.
Lesson: Don’t fall I love with someone else’s kids unless they are going to stay.
Not getting help sooner.
Not seeing the self sabotage.
Don’t get into a relationship before you have fixed your mental health
Don’t get into a relationship before you love your self.
We could have been great.
I did not self reflect in time for it to happen all over again,(D) but this time it was worse. We moved in together and got a puppy. And again came the self-sabotage, the moving things too quickly and just wanting to be loved and not caring who by. (Thank god I am working this all out before it happens again)
Don’t fall in love with someone else’s family unless they are going to stay,
Definitely don’t buy a puppy with someone unless they are going to stay, because it hurts more than the breakup.
Don’t get your daughter involved in your relationships unless you’re 100 percent sure.
Don’t move in with someone unless you’re 100 sure.
Don’t move things too quickly.
Don’t sleep with someone who doesn’t want a relationship
And if you do, make sure you don’t fall in love with them.
I say every lesson out loud to my self in the mirror and my mind fills with memories of the past, I turn away with a tear in my eye as I allow my self to feel all of the pain. “I have gone through enough to not put my self in that position again,” I tell my self, but only time will tell! So many lessons…. and as I start this journey of understanding myself self I have to understand my past, Mental health is a struggle, and all the years of telling my self I am not good enough is over. I am enough. So here I go, Loving my self day one… wish me luck <3 x